Sitting out in the waiting room my stomach is in knots. I can’t believe I let myself get to this point. I don’t even know how in the hell I got here. I hear my name called and head through the door. Once I enter the room I just stand there and look around. I am not sure where I should sit or how this all even works.
“Please have a seat on the couch.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks.” I say as I sit down and look around the room. I am so nervous to actually be here that I think I may vomit.
“What brings you here today Mallory?”
Oh my, so we are jumping right into it I guess. I thought there would at least be some kind of lead up to the problem or something. Maybe some lighter questions like how I was doing or something. This is what I’m here for though right. It’s now or never. I take a deep breath and in a rush of words I blurt it out.
“When my husband goes out of town on business I sleep with other men and I don’t know why exactly but now I’m pregnant and I don’t know if the baby is my husbands and I know when he finds out he is going to leave me.” I take in a deep breath almost gasping for air and lean back into the couch. God that felt good to finally say it to someone other than my reflection.
“I see. How often does he go out of town?”
“Um, about once or twice a month and he stays gone, sometimes for a few weeks.”
When he is home, what is your relationship like?”
I give a nervous laugh before answering. I know eventually these questions are going to lead to the fact that I am still getting to know my husband but I don’t want to jump right in to explaining that just yet. “Everything is fine when he is home. We get along okay; I mean we don’t not get along. We are… Well things are, things… things are fine.” Oh gosh, I sure did botch that answer. I shake my head a little and close my eyes for a moment. I have no idea how to explain that he is a stranger to me. That I married and am having sex with a stranger. So what is our relationship like, well it's weird to say the least.
“How did you feel when you were with these other men?”
“I felt wanted. When I’m home with Kevin I feel okay but when he’s gone, I don’t know, I feel kind of empty and alone, you know.”
“Tell me about how you met Kevin.”
My cheeks redden a little as I think back to the moment I was told about Kevin. This will probably be the weirdest thing she has heard in a while and I knew this question was coming.
“Well, uh to be honest, while my parents were visiting me on my eighteenth birthday they told me that they had arranged for me to marry the son of one of their friends and I agreed because I wanted to make them happy.”
“Did it make you happy?”
“I am still trying to figure that out. All I wanted at the time was to be with my parents and I thought this would be the answer. Kevin and I are still getting to know each other. He seems like a nice guy for the most part. He is just gone all the time on business and I really don’t like that. That part makes me unhappy, I think. It makes getting to know each other hard.”
“Tell me more about your parents. What were things like when you were growing up?”
I pause a moment and wonder how we circled this conversation back to my childhood. I have no idea why we would even be talking about my parents. Other than them arranging the marriage they have nothing to do with this mess I got myself into.
“I don’t see why talking about my childhood will help with my current situation. Shouldn’t we be talking about the fact that I cheat on my husband and have done so many times? Now I’m pregnant and freaking out and you want to know about my childhood.” I laugh. “This is ridiculous!”
“Mallory, I understand how this may not make sense to you so let me try to explain something to you. You said you sleep with other men and you don’t know why. You then shared that your parents arranged this marriage for you when you turned eighteen. An arranged marriage isn’t a typical tradition here. I think if we explore your childhood we may be able to find the root of why you seek the feeling of being wanted. You can give as much or as little detail as you would like.”
I shift uncomfortably on the couch. Talking about my childhood is not something that I want to discuss. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was living it. I thought I would never have to go back to that time in my life once I married Kevin and here I am talking to a therapist that wants me to tell her about the worst time of my life. I sigh, sink a little more into the couch, close my eyes and think back.
“Okay, well…
I was the result of failed birth control to an older wealthy couple. They had never wanted children even though they were well equipped to care for and afford a dozen. People would describe them as generous, fun loving, and adventurous. They threw many charitable parties with a long list of wealthy guests that were all so eager to share their wealth with the various causes. If you met a wealthy person in the East or West Coast they would know my family name. They would not, however, know me.
The day my parents found out they were expecting a baby was the worse day of their lives. Although my parents didn’t dislike children they never wanted to be tied down by one of their own. They loved to travel the world and felt that being parents would keep them from doing so. Before my mother started showing, my parents ventured to Italy where they were not well known. My mother hid in a villa so that no one would know she was pregnant.
After I was born my parents hired a full time nanny to look after me. They didn’t exactly give me up for adoption but it may have been better if they had. They sent baby me and the nanny to live in Newcrest which was a nice little neighborhood with a mix of middle and upper class residents. My parents only came to visit during holidays and my birthday. Now when I say holidays I really only mean Christmas and my birthday was in June so I only saw them once every six months.
I guess I should be grateful for that though because I can only imagine how much more damage they would have done to me if I saw them more often. When my parents did come to visit me I was so eager to please them, hoping that if I impressed them enough they would not leave me again. I just knew that if I could show them how special I was then they would want to take me with them or at least stay with me longer. No matter how hard I tried though it was never good enough to keep them with me. They always left me without even the slightest of regret to be found in their eyes.”
“And now your married to a man that always leaves you while away on long business trips. That is quite similar to how your parents always left you.”
“Yeah I guess so. But I don’t see how that has much to do with my current situation.”
“Do you think that maybe you are seeking out these other men so that you don’t have to be alone or more adequately so you don’t have to feel unwanted while Kevin is gone?”
I feel this whole thing is pointless. She is not helping with my situation at all. Who cares why I did it, I don’t. I only want to fix it. In my frustration I lean forward and bore right in to her eyes, “Well how am I supposed to know? You’re the doctor right, you should know. Do you think that is what I am doing?”
“I think that is all the time we have for today. You did really well, even if you don’t think so. We will meet again next week.”
I get up without saying a word and leave. What a huge waste of time. I don’t think I will be coming back next week. By then Kevin will be home and I am going to have to tell him what I did and I know that he will leave me. Or maybe I can just leave him instead. Go back to where I was born in Italy and raise my baby alone. Alone… that doesn’t sound like a good idea.
As I’m walking in the park later that evening thinking about my plan to leave and dreading being alone it dawns on me that I won’t be alone, I will be with my baby. I am going to do for my baby what my parents never did for me…be with it. I am going to love and raise my baby the way that I should have been. My child will never have to feel unwanted or unloved.
“My precious little Joy, you saved me and made me so happy. I love you so much.”
